Finally set up a tumblr account. Officially done with LJ for life. Goodbye self-deprecating, fifteen year old me! It's been real.

Tumble, tumble.

St. Louis was fun. Some of the photos are here.

Ah, more tattoo inspiration. Yuji Moriguchi, a self-professed ecotomite (like myself) residing in Tokyo, Japan. He cites Hokusai as an influence (as all good Japanese artists should) and continues the wonderful tradition of ukiyo-e.

Really, I'm love! Which is good, because Kevin Rose now officially has a new girlfriend according to the latest Diggnation. Oh well, it couldn't last forever.


Love the one on the right.


Love the one on the left.

I can't find where to buy the prints! I'd like to hang them in my living room. Does thatmake me creepy? Oh well. STL in 1 day!!!

More on Moriguchi can be found here.

On a side not, I'm seriously considering turning this into a tumblelog. I'm not much of a writer and for the most part I hate getting too personal. It would also go better with the website I am building. So I'll either change the format with this LJ or move to a different host, like Wordpress and start anew. I'll keep you updated, if any of you care. Heh.

Can men and women ever be truly friends? For me, it always seems like there has to be a hidden agenda for the relationship to thrive, usually on part of the male. Forgive me for referencing When Harry Met Sally, but as Harry stated, a man cannot befriend  a woman unless he wants to sleep with her. Maybe not all men out there take it to that extreme, but I do believe oftentimes men want something out of it more than just platonic friendship.

And I say this with a certain people in my life in mind, so maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe my view of the way men and women exist together in a platonic relationship is completely skewed. And when I look back on my childhood, never once did I have a best friend who was male that didn't want something from me.

Starting with Rhett. From pre-school we liked each other. Our relationship formed out of a mutual bond of emotions and urges we weren't quite mature enough to understand. Once puberty kicked in, things got crazy between the two of us until we both moved on to our next "loves." And after that was, what I would consider, the only true male best/close friend I ever had. Jimmy Davis. Come to find out a couple years back that little Jimmy was, and still is, quite the homosexual.

And there you have it, folks.

After that it's been a string of close guy friends,  the ones that all consequently got into my pants and I dated for various lengths in time. Tom, Erick, Chris, Jeff. And even the ones I didn't sleep with. All of them were there for me and super awesome when there was the hope of getting some sort of long term relationship. As soon as you cut that off, however things change quite drastically.

But is it me? I mean, do I expect too much? I'm one of those people that can turn things on and off. It's both a blessing and a curse. When I decide you're old news, you're old news. So for me, in many cases, the switch from fuck buddies, casual dating partners, significant others, to just plain friends,  has been rather easy. I'm ready, in most senses, to carry on the way things always were minus the physical aspects. The guys I know however, cut off way more than that. And somehow it goes from them blowing up my phone every fucking day to me talking to their voice mail or sending one sided texts.

I'm not saying I'm being blown off or ignored. I know I almost paint the picture of this strung out crack whore that can't keep a man, but that's far from the case. I push them all away, it's never them and it's always me. But after I do that things just spiral out in a direction I don't really like nor know how to get a hold of. I talk about it to my girlfriends and they always say the same general thing, that in order to be friends with me they have to distance themselves to avoid feeling the things they once felt. And I guess I get that. Actually, I understand it completely, especially with a choice few. Their aloofness isn't a slight against who I am, but a way to protect who they are. And for the ones in a relationship already, that's a no brainer. I don't expect committed men to spend the same amount of energy maintaining a friendship when they've got someone else in their life. But for the ones that don't, what's their hang up?

So I feel like I should reassess and reconsider. What is a friend to me? Or more specifically, what is a MALE friend to me? If I could sort that out I think I could curb a lot of this abandonment baggage and resentment and really feel better about the male species as a whole. For now, it's just  time to step back and take it all in.

So I'm considering World of Warcraft. I used to be a fan of EQII for a while there back in 2005 and I always hated WoW out of principle. Trista and I spent many hours playing (and fighting) in our little online realm. Those were good times. Recently two of my guys friends expressed interest in getting back into online gaming. They think EQ is gay (as most men do). It is rather outdated when compared to more recent MMOs. So, I think we might all take the plunge and get subscriptions. I don't have copious amounts of time to play it but it's a fun time killer. Plus, I enjoy it more when you can play with people you know and not just anonymous net nerds. I know a couple other people that played/play it. One of them went to UOP until he stopped going to class to play WoW all the time. Needless to say he no longer attends school here. In truth, I was sold on the idea when I was informed I could be an elf. A hot elf.

Moved into a new apartment today. Two bedrooms. I'm fucking tired, I've been up well over 24 hours.

Pictures first, explanations later:

 

The end. I love it. I'm totally in love with it. It's still feminine without being too literal., like FLOWERS! I get the color in two months, Eli and Jeff will accompany me. I'm very excited. I got it done at Warlock Tattoo on Mission in SF by Cecelia Altamirano. She used to work for Brain Drops, a highly reputable tattoo parlor on Haight but recently opened up her own shop. In total it's costing me $600.

There is a lot of symbolism in the tattoo which I figure I could explain, it's an interpretation of the Kasuga Mandala, part of Ryobu Shinto (a combination of Buddhism and Shinto unique to Japan). The deer is viewed as a divine creature  and is often ridden by other deities, hence the ethereal clouds it stands on. Sitting on it's back is a Sakaki tree, an Imperial symbol of the Japanese family. In the background is what SHOULD be a mirror, another Imperial symbol (specifically representing Sun Goddess Amaterasu of which the royal line is believed to have descended from) , however mirrors don't work on tattoos so we changed it to be Japan's rising sun in the background and I'm happy with that. The deer is also representative of the Deer Park Sermon, the first sermon Buddha ever gave way back in India. In the mirror would be little Boddhisattvas but I didn't put them in there because they'd be too small and for me it was all about the deer. It's an interpretation anyway, not a direct copy. I think it's a highly appropriate tattoo for me given my major, love for Japan, obsession with deer (or Stag) and appreciation of Eastern Philosophy and Religion. Pictures of various original mandalas can be seen below:



So aside from that, the only things that are different about the mandala are the flower (forget the specific name) that winds around the trunk of the tree, representative of the Fujiwara clan, a very powerful family close the the Imperial House during the Nara. Also, the rack on the particular breed goes straight back and not upright but because it's on a 3-D surface the rack would go into my armpit, so revisions were made. Yeah, that's basically it. I'd like to think it's a pretty fucking original idea, some of my other tattoo ideas are less so, so it's nice to start off with the most personal at the moment.

Eli and I plan to visit the temples surrounding these mandalas as well as see the native deer of the Japan next year. In parts of Kyoto there are TONS of deer that roam around the grounds like squirrels. It's amazing and I want to see it.  Oh, and I need to start investing in a butt load of American Apparel cap sleeved shirts.Okay, that's all.

More information on the mandala can be found here. The rest of the photos are here.

Pharrell. Mmmm.

I got a few emails asking what the FUCK the link was in my last post. It's Abstraction by Shintaro Kago. His shit is really fucking surreal and amazing. They call it "fashionable paranoia" according to Wiki. Check out some of his works on Google images.



Also, noodle mouth girl totally stole my haircut.....

Brainchild in the works. Success is imminent. Updates to follow...soon(ish)...as in, I've got 3 months.

Peace for now, gotta focus on the outside world! Networking is KEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! It also doesn't hurt to live a stone's throw away from the place I long to be in. And no, this doesn't involve Eliana and I cutting a record of Fugees covers in the backseat of her Avalon. Sheesh.

• School is over. I got a 3.6 GPA.
• I'm over-socialized. Emotions are drained.
• I want a lot of clothes. I don't have a lot of money, most focus on tattoo in SF this Friday.
• I'm still single and wish there was SOMEONE out there that really caught my interest, not to love, just to have fun with.

The heat is oppressive and killing my brain cells. I can't write anything.



This summer has to be productive though. I have to start preparing for my future....ughhhhhhh.......gahhhhhhh......poooooooo

I'm done.

Really old song by one of my favorite bands. Extremely relevant to my current situation.


I've gotten better with age at accepting the blame when it's warranted. I'm extremely self-aware, it's developed over time through repeated slamming of the hands in the door and burning fingers on the stove, etc. And it's times like this when it's extremely reassuring. I'm at a point in my life where, in pretty much every possible sense, I'm free. I'm faced with ENDLESS possibilities. It's extremely exciting but for someone like myself, very easily overwhelming. Having so many things up in the air can stress me out. I know however, it's only going to be that way for as long as I leave things the way they are. There are no miracles, I'm really not waiting for someone else to pick up the slack. It's all just me, holding the same rope in various places. I tug of war with myself on the other end. I know, blows your mind, doesn't it? So I'm just choosing to not stress out. I'm doing what I can to get things done and it starts immediately. Tonight. Right now as I'm babysitting two cute, half-Asian babies. For some reason, just vocalizing my stance makes things seem so much more manageable and there are no more big scary monsters. I'm better at rolling with the punches so I'm going to make my choices and let things fall where they may. Beyond that it's out of my control and out of my head. No more stressing or worrying.

Thanks Jeffe.

This is going to be an extremely long and pointless post, as I have 5:30 hours to kill at work and no boss to oversee how I manage this time.

The semester is over. All that's preventing me from a full on summer is my Japanese final on Monday and turning in my extra credit and portfolio to Japanese Art History on that same day. After that I'll maintain my position at Financial Aid for the duration of the summer. It should be better pay, more hours. Not sure where I'll be working come Fall, I was hoping Bechtel International Center but it really just depends on if they can work with my schedule and show me the federal work study monies.

Wednesday, Eliana and I gave blood for fun. It was an empty day and we felt like being generous. The free cookies and juice were also a big draw, I won't lie. After giving blood in a record 12 MINUTES! (YEAS! I could be in the Olympics for that shit, or so I like to tell myself) I fainted at the resting station. This is like the second time it's happened over the years that I've given blood. I don't really know why, I ate food that morning and was about to munch on some delicious cookies but was wiped unconscious before I could even tear the bag open! Next thing I know, they've got me on the floor with my legs on a nearby stool and ice packs on my neck. They were checking my pulse and blood pressure. I came to pretty quick so I didn't have to suffer through the "smelling salts." Thanks God. The oxygen deprivation left me deliriously euphoric and I spent the rest of my day feeling a little out of it. I went to bed pretty early though to sleep off the trauma, my arm still hurts though. :(

I've been casually dating lately and it had gotten to a point with one guy where I just wasn't feeling comfortable. I felt like we were progressing into a relationship too soon for my liking. I mean, I don't want a relationship at all, so that feeling presented a problem in and of itself. Also, there was just no spark and for once I had to be "man" enough to realize that and let the other party involved know before people got too invested and someone ended up hurt. I was more concerned about maintaining the friendship we'd developed more than anything else and I think it's been achieved. I mean, mentally I like him but physically it's not there and I wasn't going to force it. I hung out with him the other day, and though he seemed a bit emo (for a multitude of reasons, I'm sure),  but things seem to be looking up.

Other than that, I'm just keeping my options open. On the 23rd I'm going into the city for my tattoo consult, I'm really excited! Eliana and I are making a weekend out of it by staying at her mom's girlfriend's house in the city. Friday will be dedicated for the most part to getting out there and tattoo related things, while Sat and Sun has become a mock quest for Kevin Rose. Now there's a guy I'd settle down for! Unfortunately, I'm real enough to know that will never be so I'll just keep dreaming.

Finally, I'm stressing about this adult life that's being thrust at me. This time next year I'll be in another country, weeks away from graduating with my Bachelor's in Japanese. It's a pretty scary thought. I don't know why though, plenty of "normal" kids my age graduated a year ago already and are either in graduate school or settling into the hustle and bustle of adult life. I really want to ease into it. If I can snag an internship at a SF based company post-graduation (I've got a couple in mind) I'd be set! From there, I don't know where I'd go. Not back home, it's not really home anyway. Probably back to Stockton where my "other family" lives. It's closer to The Bay, where I want to be. Makes sense. But I am coming home soon, in a little over a month. Eliana will be with me and I really hope I can show her a good time. I think it really speaks volumes of our friendship as I've never had a friend travel with me or travel for me. She really wanted to see where I come from and I appreciate that so much. It should be a good bonding experience filled with lots of Steak 'n Shake, St. Louis Bread Co. (everywhere else they call it Panera Bread, assholes) and Imo's Pizza. Yeah, then there are my family and friends(?) for her to meet. Mainly the immediate family and probably my old work crew. Either way, it should be fun and we're driving back with my Zero in tow. Yes, in all truth this trip was solely a quest for the Zee cat. He's been missed and mommy  needs him back in her life.

Well, I'm going to end this post abruptly because that's all that was immediately on my mind. It's officially summer here in Stockton, at least to me it is. There was just something about the sky this morning and the overall feel that made me breathe a sigh of relief that this school year is over. It's also very sad too, but mostly I'm relieved!

Don't have a lot I want to say right now. Thoughts are just simmering in my head. So anyway, here are some pictures that Jeff took with his camera from last Wednesday's awesomeness.


A favorite expression.

Time for some body dysmorphia: I have a big chin!

Wanting to kill Veronica Belmont for cutting the crowd. I make a pretty ferocious face.

Okay, I gotta sleep soon. I'm supposed to get up early tomorrow and clean this fucking place. Gah.